"The 'What Are We?' Conversation"

So i really like this guy, i mean he's all i think about and its the first time that this has really happend and its just crazy. We hang out and we kissed and he was super sweet to me and he said he liked me a lot so it made me feel great. The thing is, i dont know what he wants: i dont know if it will be a relationship, or what it will be. I really want a relationship because i care about him so much. I don't want to be to blunt about it because im afraid im reading too much into this... that in reality he doesnt like me enough or want to be with me. He has been all ive been thinking about for awhile and i don't know what to do because its killing me not knowing whats going to happen with us. He will talk to me and call me on the weekends but during the week it's like, i have to text him, i try not to get to upset about this because he has a life and i get that.

Please help me out! I know i need to just ask him, but how do i do it, and what do i say?

Well, the last thing I would do is have a friend confront him about your potential relationship. What if his friends came up to you out of the blue and asked for an official answer? It's childish and not a very reliable way to know how he feels.

Now that's not to say your friends aren't an important part of why you want to label yourselves as 'dating' or 'not dating'.. which leads us to the most commonly botched relationship talk in the book: The 'what are we?' conversation. This is when someone has to broach the subject of moving from just friends, to dating/going steady. It's usually characterized by an extremely awkward and confrontational exchange of words, followed by either an even more awkward "we're dating" kiss, or a heartbreaking hug as you go your separate ways. Every so often, however, this entire conversation is side-stepped by simple, concise, even nonchalant dialog: "My friends asked if we were dating and i didn't really know what to tell them. I would like to make this official, but i don't know what you're looking for right now or what you thought about it." It's pretty straight-forward because it gives you a chance to tell him how you really feel, and him a chance to bow out gracefully if there is something wrong.

Another piece of advice, though: if you're getting so worked up about all this and you're not even dating yet, how are you going to act when another girl hits on him, or you have your first fight, or any other problem that could come up? The point is that you can't let how you feel rely so heavily on him. Its never a healthy start to a relationship when you revolve your life around the other person right away! Sharing your life with someone doesn't mean you gain any control over them, and it shouldn't cause more stress than good.. it should be something that both people want and think will be best for them. So don't sweat it if the conversation doesn't go as planned, there's always next time.

***TheGivingTree

"Artistic Dryspell"

(16/F) I need some inspiration. My art side of my head has been pretty dry.
Is there any websites that have like prompts? You know how you get writing prompts, well i need some for drawing/painting. If you have ever done a cool project share it with me! Or if you have found a website with such.

Thanks so much :)

I always feel inspired when I have nostalgic memories. Disney movies, coloring books, old songs from the 90's, certain smells or foods, stuff like that. I'm not an art student so i'm not sure exactly what you're looking for, but i've always thought the best art has been when the artist puts her heart on the canvas and can really show the viewer where they come from and how they see the world now.

Just don't do the 'Minnie Mouse full of poo', or the 'broken picture of a supermodel', it's overdone. haha, you'll be fine, no one knows you better than you. Good luck!

***TheGivingTree

"Staying In Touch With Your Parents 2009"

I'm 21 and I no longer live with my parents...
My mom and I are really close, but I often don't have time to call her and talk to her - at the moment, e-mail and phone are the only two ways we can connect. I'd like her to see more of what goes on in my life, since it's sometimes hard for me to remember everything I want to tell her, and I'd like her to be more contactable. My dad, too. They're both constantly on the computer for work - they work together from their home.

I'd like them both to get facebooks and/or AIM accounts. They're both pretty paranoid about getting viruses and crashing their computers, since they have important information stored on there. My mom's very hesitant about getting either of those accounts.

How do I convince her/them? Any ideas?

This is a great question, and a great idea.

I would suggest Facebook, only because it would be the easiest to convince them that they can't get a virus from it since it is only a website (AIM requires you to download a file, etc).

I got my mom on Facebook and it worked out great! Once she figured out how to navigate, she knew more about what my friends were up to than I did! Just make sure you don't have anything on there you wouldn't want them seeing.

To make it even easier, I would set up new Gmail accounts FOR them (something easy to remember), that way they aren't using personal emails to create the Facebook accounts. Explain that it's just a website, like yahoo or google, that lets you message, chat, look at pictures, etc.

And make sure you specify that they can not only make their profiles private, but that they can make them unsearchable! Hope this helped.

***TheGivingTree

PS- An alternative to both would be getting them on Twitter, to exchange status updates, and even update VIA text message.

"How to Drive a Stick-Shift"

Can you give me step by step instructions on how to drive a stick shift car?

The only way you can learn how to drive a stick is to get a feel for the gears, and unfortunately, every car has a different height that the clutch engages at, but i will do my best:

In an automatic car there are two pedals: brake (left) and gas (right).. and hopefully you only use your right foot for each since you should only need to do one at a time.

In a manual car, there are three pedals: CLUTCH (left), brake (middle), and gas (right). Same as an automatic, you should use your right foot for brake and gas as normal. The part that gets tricky is pressing in the clutch at the same time you are engaging the gears (especially into first gear).

Two things to keep in mind: depressing the clutch disengages the gear from the gas, which means you can floor the gas and all you will hear is engine noise because the gear is not engaged. So, this is pretty much the equivalent of being in neutral (the shift-stick being in the middle area instead of forward/back in 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/5th).

With the clutch to the floor, you can safely engage the first gear (shift-stick should be forward left) then, to get the car moving, you need to SLOWLY press on the gas while lifting your foot off the clutch. It's like a pass-the-baton game that will make the car jerk and grind if you get it wrong. Work on making the transition as smooth as possible-- the result should be your left foot coming completely off the clutch and your right foot using the gas as you normally would in an automatic. don't feel bad if you stall out (which you will). Just turn the car off and start it up again (WITH THE STICK IN NEUTRAL and your foot on the clutch!)

Once you have this down, you're ready to accelerate one gear at a time. If you imagine each gear as a MPH, you'll have a general idea of which gear you should be in and when. So once you're sailing along at 10mph, it's time to ease off the gas, push the clutch to the floor, move the stick straight back to second gear, and take the clutch back out, then give it more gas. Simple as that. 2nd gear (about 20mph-30mph), 3rd gear (30-40), and 5th gear for highway driving. When the RPM's get too high, the car will get really loud and you'll know it's time to change to a higher gear.

Don't leave the car in gear when you park, don't use the low gears to slow yourself down, don't text on your phone while driving.

***TheGivingTree

"The Look"

So, i met this guy at this dinner party, and we are about the same age but we didnt really talk, but he was SO GOOD LOOKING! Anyway, he kept trying to make eye contact (i did sometimes too though), you know, he would always turn towards me and then "look at the sky"..

So, my question is: if we met again, would there be hope? Like by the way he always tried to make eye contact and im talking ALWAYS! So, yeah, could this mean anything?

There is always hope! As long as you are confident and stay true to yourself, you have nothing to lose!
Sometimes making the first move is harder than we'd like it to be.

And as far as what the eye contact means, I've learned that American society almost discourages something that the French (and many other European countries) call "the look"-- this is the connection that two people can share, even a passing glance on the street, that shows potential interest. It is the truest measure of instant attraction and yet so many people ignore it like a penny on the sidewalk!

You never know when the love of your life may be standing next to you. Don't be afraid to take a chance! Don't be afraid to hold eye contact!

"Buzzed or Bust!"

Okay i am going into high school next year and my friends are starting to drink and smoke. I dont want to, but i know i will not be invited anywhere if i don't. I know this seems like simple, "just say no", but the only way to keep my friends is to drink with them or lose them. I know it seems like these friends suck, and they do but i cant change groups. And you cant just be like "no I'm not drinking" I'm only 13. I'm turning 14 soon but...what do i do?

I have a few friends that are "straight-edge" meaning they don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex without being in a relationship. This has become a pretty popular trend, especially in concert "scenes". I'm sure there are blogs or sites out there that give some pretty awesome reasons and explanations as to why you don't want to join your friends, but unfortunately the peer pressure you're talking about is real. Even if you go to parties, you could easily be labeled "buzz-kill" or "the sober one".

Because people will treat you differently if you don't have a drink in your hand, my solution is:

Put a drink in your hand!

Pour a soda or some juice into a cup and sip on that. When it comes to mixed drinks (cranberry/vodka, coke/rum, whatever underage kids sneak nowadays..) it would be impossible for anyone to figure out it's not spiked unless they try some. Most people are so caught up in their dramas and drinks that they wont even notice you dont have alcohol in your drink!

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to drink, so try that in the meantime but start looking for some straight-edge friends-- High School is the PERFECT time to find a new social group. Seriously, now is the time to start looking for people that you want to be around.

***TheGivingTree

"Prince Charming Trainee"

How can a guy be more charming to a girl? (Im 13 and a male, btw)
So how can i be more charming and less annoying to my friends that are mostly girls?

Okay, first off, don't over-do the "nice guy" thing. It's rare to find people that actually care in this world, but trying too hard just makes things worse. Just try to relax. Everyone likes a good listener. You will surprise your friends when you show them that you are genuinely interested in their lives and can remember things that they have told you!

More importantly, don't be afraid to compliment them. If you notice that her hair/eyes/clothes look nice, let her know! (Not too often! Maybe every other time you see her) It will brighten her day AND keep you out of the "friend-only zone" when she eventually realizes you might be attracted to her.

Well, good luck and take it easy, and just to put it into perspective: you have YEARS and YEARS to get good at it!

**TheGivingTree

"Choosing Between a Boyfriend and a Baby"

Hello,

I need some advice. I'm 21/male and my boyfriend is 26/male. My boyfriend recently wanted to break up with me because I told him I am bisexual and that I rather not adopt and have a biological child. What do you think I should do? Do you think I'm wasting my time? I want to make things work out for the best of us.

I think you should make sure you and your boyfriend reflect on the (lack of) urgency of this issue. You are both young, and by the time the decision will need to be made you both may have changed your minds. I understand your desire to pass on your genes, but your real legacy is the impact you two will have on the development of your kid, not so much whose biological material he or she will be made of. But if you're really set on it, there is always artificial insemination. You also have to keep in mind that your boyfriend may not be upset with the idea that you want your own child, but that he feels threatened that he cannot provide you with one.

Do I think this is something to break up over? Absolutely not. You should both be lucky that you see eye-to-eye on the desire to raise a child together. The details can be worked out later.

You need to let him know that he can fulfill your needs even though he is not a chick, and you need to remember that your partner is (at the least) going to be the second-greatest influence on your kid's life, so treat each other well.

Hope everything works out, please come back if you need anything else!

**The Giving Tree

"Is This Growing Up?!"

"I've been dating this guy for almost a year and a half now. I am a 20 year old female.
We moved in with each other before we reached one year. We decided to move in together because we never really saw each other except for on the weekends.
He's a few years older than I am. I think we are equally mature, but I am starting to wonder whether we're still together for the right reasons.
We both work. He's full time and I work 35 hours a week. We usually get home from work, and watch TV and pass out way too early. Neither of us have many friends, and I left mine all when I transferred schools.
I love him. I know that. I just get really frustrated at times that we don't have more of a life. I am not yet 21 so we can't go to bars or anything like that. He never hangs out with his friends, and I never hang out with mine... Mostly because I feel like if I said I wanted to hang out with my friends he'd flip that I didn't want to spend all my time with him.
I miss my friends. I miss being close to my friends. Sometimes I feel like he's forcing me to grow up. Talking about babies and marriage like it's around the corner... I don't want that right now. I am too young. I just don't ever want to say it out loud in fear of hurting him.

Given the scenario... what would you do?"

Given your scenario (being 20, in love, cohabiting), I would try everything in my power to make him happy, and probably end up doing more harm than good. This is because I wouldn't realize the problem isn't on my end, so it's nothing I can fix, especially not overnight.

I wont pretend like I have the solution to this, but i can tell you what I think: It sounds like the biggest problem is that your boyfriend is insecure with the relationship. You are way too young to be friendless and stuck at home watching grey's anatomy. If you are living together, it is absolutely unacceptable and unhealthy that he expects you to spend every moment with him. Even if you WANTED to, I would recommend against it because being in a relationship isn't about having the same life, it's about sharing each of your lives with each other.

Here's what I would do: pick one night (a week in advance) that you will make plans with just your girlfriend(s). Plan a movie night or game night, at someone else's house, just to get out and get away, but in the least threatening way possible. Encourage your boyfriend to do the same. This plan wont work if one of you is sitting at home. Have fun, and when you both get back, tell some funny stories about what happened, who is doing what, what's planned for next week, etc.

Date nights between the two of you will also help break up the repetitive nights at home, so i would give that a shot too.

I have to warn you, though: If he doesn't allow you these simple essential freedoms to see your friends and have time to yourself, He's got a serious problem. Talk to him and find out what's bothering him, why he's so insecure or jealous, because if you let this get out of hand it could eventually turn into an abusive relationship.

I'm sure he's thinking the same things you are, and hopefully he will welcome some of these suggestions. If not, just ask him as a favor to try it for one month. Best of luck!

Please write back if you need a follow-up!

"Love Me, Love Me"

"My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months, and we fight all the time. In one of our fights, he just told me he didn't love me anymore ... He isn't the same as we were before, and we almost break up daily, and I cry all the time, and I bitch and complain to him a lot too, mostly about not seeing each other and him not calling me. (because he never does and he told me he'd call me more) and, I really just don't know what to do, should I stay with him? should I throw in the towel? I never used to believe in heartbreak before, but now, I feel like he's ripping my heart out of my chest, it hurts so bad, but I love him so much ... and I need advice."

I don't know how to put this nicely, but would you want to call and commit to someone who cried and bitched and complained all the time? I'm guessing no. I understand you're worried about losing him and want to show him how much you care, but you have to ask yourself if you are behaving like someone he would want to be with.

You are sleeping so much because you are depressed, and if this relationship is the cause, you need to do something to take your mind off of it. Try exercising or starting a hobby with a friend. When he sees that you are enjoying your own life, he might want to make the effort to be more involved too. It's that whole "loving yourself before anyone can love you" thing.