"Is There a Snooze Button for Her Biological Clock?"

Hi, I'm in desperate need of some advice. I am a 26 year old man who has been dating a 36 year old woman for about 5 months.I am very concerned about the age difference and what that will mean for us down the road. Just last week we broke up and it has been killing me. I really like this girl and I want to be with her, but the age thing is just a 24/7 nagging issue in the back of my mind. We split up because she is wanting to be in a relationship with someone that will in a few years materialize into a family and having kids. I am terrified of this. I want a family and kids, but i'm 26 and thinking about that happening in the next couple of years scares the hell out of me. On the other hand, I really do not want to lose her, she is wonderful in every way, and though we are 10 years apart we are on most of the same playing fields, intellectually, physically, professionally, etc. I have been in only 3 relationships that have lasted more than a few months, and have dated many girls, and this is the first one that has ever meant something to me, the short of it is, I have fallen for her and I have been down and out since we split up. I need some objective advice. Do I try to get her back or do I just move on and accept that our age difference is just to much to overcome. Thanks in advance for the advice.

I probably have no idea what i'm talking about.
Now, with that said, here is my objective advice:

If you were going to change your mind about wanting to be a father in the next couple years, that probably would have happened shortly after you broke up. Those all-or-nothing moments usually have a way of bringing out some surprising compromises.

So that leads me to believe you are genuinely not ready to settle down and start a family with this woman. Which is totally fine, and pretty much expected. It's also not your fault, just like it's not her fault that she IS ready.

I would try to be grateful that you came to this realization early enough that you can both walk away without baggage, cut your losses, and do your best to move on.

***TheGivingTree

PS-- The people who know you best (parents/siblings/best friends) are always going to be some of the best judges of whether or not you're ready for a family, just in case you were having second thoughts.

"Am I Christian Yet?"

I've grown up going to a christian church and school and I pray everyday but i've never felt God's presence before... I try to have faith and seek him but it's hard when I don't feel he's there, and I feel like there's a hole in my life, and I feel lonely, but I just don't feel like i'm a christian even though I want to be.

How do I become a christian even though i've already been praying and going to church and have seeked him but don't feel anything?

You won't wake up one day and have a halo over your head just because you prayed for it. You don't feel God like you feel sunshine or a breeze, I'm sorry if someone made you think that's how it works. People exaggerate.

Church is supposed to be a religious experience. The community, the rituals, the songs, all that stuff is supposed to make you feel good and holy, and make you want to act accordingly. Well, that works for some people, but there's much more to God than scripture.

Try this: Find yourself a quiet tree, turn your cell phone off, close your eyes for a minute and breathe. After you calm down, you should take a moment to comprehend how small you are compared to the tree. Reflect on how the tree was probably there before you were born and will probably be there after you are dead. Just like the tree, we came from the earth. Even as enormous as the earth is, it is still very tiny compared to the sun (which is just one of nearly infinite other stars) ...and yet we are all made up of the same microscopic little elements, sharing this moment in time together, coexisting.

After all of that sinks in, get up and go back to your daily life. Realizing that the day-to-day problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, carrying with you the idea that loving the world is the least we can do, living your life as a good person becomes a necessity rather than a chore... and THAT is how praying and church and feeling God is supposed to make you feel.

"Stop, Drop, and Move to Costa Rica"

Ok...so I'm with someone that I KNOW i want to spend my life with! It's the perfect relationship with the most amazing guy. Everything up to this point has been flawless between us. The other day he and I were talking and started joking about just running away together to some island where we can get away from the hustle and bustle and drama of everyday life here in the states. Day by day this joke became more and more serious and at this point, the joke is no more. We have both spent countless amounts of time looking online for places and jobs and whatnot in our dream destination, Costa Rica. Am I crazy to drop life as I know it and move to a very far away place with him?? More so, am I crazy for doing this at the young age of 22?!?! (keeping in mind, he's ten yrs older and very well off)

thanks, 22 yr old male =)

Yes, this is crazy. But you realize it's crazy so that makes it a little better.

Personally, I wouldn't do it. Once you move past the romance of running away, you're left with the reality of your decision: Do you speak Spanish? Can you support yourself in a foreign country? Will you be safe? How will your family react to your eloping? What happens if things don't work out between you two?

But here's the good news: you're not me. So I can tell you to go for it. You are young enough to make a reckless decision like this and not regret it down the road, It might even be your only chance to do something like that. Plus, the U.S. economy is shitty right now, so you won't be missing much. There is a chance this could be the best decision of your life.. just be smart about it. Voice your concerns before you both make the decision. Talk about the anticipated problems and the roadblocks, get it all out in the open so that when problems come up, they aren't taboo.

Costa Rica is beautiful. If you do it, send pictures.

"Can I Date Your Ex?"

I've been friends with this guy for a while now and as time passes I like him more and more as something other than a friend. Things would be easy if we could actually date but that isn't going to happen because he recently ended a relationship and I am friend with his ex as well. How do I separate my friendship with him and my romantic feeling for him without hurting our friendship?

Quite the pickle you're in... It's amazing how many people there are in the world and yet we still end up being territorial of the people we've dated.

There is no brilliant solution to this one, but as a general rule of thumb, I think that if your friend is the one that ended the relationship, their ex is free game. One man's trash is another man's treasure. If, however, they had a bad breakup, or your friend was dumped by this guy and is not over him, you need to lay off.

Your situation seems to be a little more complex, though. First of all, you would be catching this guy on the rebound. He's going to need some time to himself before he is going to be ready to start a relationship with you, so I wouldn't rush anything.

Both people need to understand that you're in a tough position because you can't "take sides," but you also have to be completely upfront about your intentions. Let this guy know you're still going to be friends with his ex, and explain to your friend that you have feelings for this guy. The only other alternative is keeping your relationship a secret until things settle down.

Be prepared for one or both to throw a fit for a while, but if they're true friends, they will work through it. It is possible and pretty healthy to have a relationship AND separate friends.

"Prerequisite For Love"

So me and my ex just broke up last thursday. We were fine but apparently around prom he started to get bored... but he failed to talk with me about his problem. Now we are done... but i have faith that i can get him back. I just have to get him to fall in love with me again. He is chasing after this girl who does not care about him and leaving me who does. What can i do to make him like me again? How can i pump up the excitement and make him think im not boring?

You know how some classes in school require prerequisites? There are things you have to learn BEFORE you are ready to move to the next level?

Well, relationships are a lot like that, too. A lot of times we have exactly what we want, but because we haven't learned that we want it, we take it for granted.

Your relationship, for example. This boy is wasting his time on a girl that isn't interested in him because he hasn't learned to appreciate having someone who actually cares about him. Right now he's more interested in the chase than being happy.

Conveniently, the solution to getting him back and letting him go are the same one: move on. Once you understand that he just can't appreciate you until he learns his lesson on his own in his own time, you'll be able to focus on your own feelings and your own life, maybe even find another person who IS ready to be with you.

The best thing you can do is distract yourself with something else until you're over it. You'll know it worked when both of you are happy. Or you're happy and he's cry-babying about missing you.

"Curiosity Got The Cat Pregnant"

16/f.

Are there other ways to get pregnant besides having vaginal sex?

My boyfriend and I were messing around. Clothes were on. And I didn't know if possibly his sperm could go through clothes. What if he fingered me and had his sperm on his finger? Could I get pregnant then?

I know that abstinence is 100% safe way of not getting pregnant. But I'm just curious of other ways someone could get pregnant besides vaginal sex. Please and thanks :)

Umm, yes sperm can go through clothes. but they would have to be so saturated that it would be leaking out the other side. With the clothes on, you've got practically no risk, but i wouldn't recommend using boxer briefs instead of a condom.

and yes, you could get pregnant if the boy that was fingering you put sperm on his finger. I don't know why he would do that, but there's your answer.

So to recap: if there is nothing keeping his fluids from your fluids, you COULD get pregnant. It's highly unlikely, but entirely possible. and yes abstinence is 100% safe, but you're not abstaining, so that doesn't apply to you. Use a condom or a dental dam and you've got 99.8%, which is as safe as you're going to get unless you stop touching each other.

For more essential health information they wont teach in most schools, go to: http://www.hiv.va.gov/vahiv?page=sex-condomtips

"Ready To Be Ready For Love"

No guy ever seems to be the right guy for me. Even when things seem to be going great they always end up not staying that way and to top it off they are always long distance. I've noticed I never plan on long distance dating, it's more like I fall into it, get trapped and eventually hurt. I know long distance never really works out and I also understand that I'm young and I have time to date in the future-- I tell myself that all the time, but I cant help but feel the need to be wanted by a someone who wants me. Sadly, I live in South FL (where everybody, to me, either just isn't my type or is way too promiscuous) ... perhaps that's why all the guys I like live far away, but moving is not an option for me because I'm in college. Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm really glad I have the opportunity to answer this question, I hope this helps you:

The most important thing is that you have a huge capacity to love others, and at such a young age, that is quite an accomplishment. Unfortunately, this also leaves you vulnerable to being hurt by those that you open up so deeply to. The only way around this is to train your heart to take baby steps, to not allow your emotions to dictate your actions. Easier said than done.

Here's the other thing: although compatibility is a large factor in dating, timing is just as important, and it's obviously just not your time yet. (I've learned that sometimes this has less to do with your age or the season, and more to do with where you are at this point in your life.)

Instead of seeing your repetitive failed relationships as a string of bad luck, maybe it's time to focus on other aspects of your life. Use this mandatory hiatus from guys to find yourself! Start a new hobby, make new friends, foster a dog, get caught up on reading and movies, etc..

One of my favorite mantra's:
"It's not about finding the right person,
it's about BEING the right person."

I think this is applicable to you, because you will soon be able to reassure yourself that you are indeed a person worth loving, regardless of whether or not there is anyone around at the moment to do it for you.

Be the person you want to be, and love yourself, because I guarantee as soon as you finish that challenge, it will magically be the right time for that someone to come along. Life is painfully ironic like that.

Finish college, say no to hard drugs, use a condom, and be ready for love when he shows up!

***TheGivingTree

"The 'What Are We?' Conversation"

So i really like this guy, i mean he's all i think about and its the first time that this has really happend and its just crazy. We hang out and we kissed and he was super sweet to me and he said he liked me a lot so it made me feel great. The thing is, i dont know what he wants: i dont know if it will be a relationship, or what it will be. I really want a relationship because i care about him so much. I don't want to be to blunt about it because im afraid im reading too much into this... that in reality he doesnt like me enough or want to be with me. He has been all ive been thinking about for awhile and i don't know what to do because its killing me not knowing whats going to happen with us. He will talk to me and call me on the weekends but during the week it's like, i have to text him, i try not to get to upset about this because he has a life and i get that.

Please help me out! I know i need to just ask him, but how do i do it, and what do i say?

Well, the last thing I would do is have a friend confront him about your potential relationship. What if his friends came up to you out of the blue and asked for an official answer? It's childish and not a very reliable way to know how he feels.

Now that's not to say your friends aren't an important part of why you want to label yourselves as 'dating' or 'not dating'.. which leads us to the most commonly botched relationship talk in the book: The 'what are we?' conversation. This is when someone has to broach the subject of moving from just friends, to dating/going steady. It's usually characterized by an extremely awkward and confrontational exchange of words, followed by either an even more awkward "we're dating" kiss, or a heartbreaking hug as you go your separate ways. Every so often, however, this entire conversation is side-stepped by simple, concise, even nonchalant dialog: "My friends asked if we were dating and i didn't really know what to tell them. I would like to make this official, but i don't know what you're looking for right now or what you thought about it." It's pretty straight-forward because it gives you a chance to tell him how you really feel, and him a chance to bow out gracefully if there is something wrong.

Another piece of advice, though: if you're getting so worked up about all this and you're not even dating yet, how are you going to act when another girl hits on him, or you have your first fight, or any other problem that could come up? The point is that you can't let how you feel rely so heavily on him. Its never a healthy start to a relationship when you revolve your life around the other person right away! Sharing your life with someone doesn't mean you gain any control over them, and it shouldn't cause more stress than good.. it should be something that both people want and think will be best for them. So don't sweat it if the conversation doesn't go as planned, there's always next time.

***TheGivingTree

"Artistic Dryspell"

(16/F) I need some inspiration. My art side of my head has been pretty dry.
Is there any websites that have like prompts? You know how you get writing prompts, well i need some for drawing/painting. If you have ever done a cool project share it with me! Or if you have found a website with such.

Thanks so much :)

I always feel inspired when I have nostalgic memories. Disney movies, coloring books, old songs from the 90's, certain smells or foods, stuff like that. I'm not an art student so i'm not sure exactly what you're looking for, but i've always thought the best art has been when the artist puts her heart on the canvas and can really show the viewer where they come from and how they see the world now.

Just don't do the 'Minnie Mouse full of poo', or the 'broken picture of a supermodel', it's overdone. haha, you'll be fine, no one knows you better than you. Good luck!

***TheGivingTree

"Staying In Touch With Your Parents 2009"

I'm 21 and I no longer live with my parents...
My mom and I are really close, but I often don't have time to call her and talk to her - at the moment, e-mail and phone are the only two ways we can connect. I'd like her to see more of what goes on in my life, since it's sometimes hard for me to remember everything I want to tell her, and I'd like her to be more contactable. My dad, too. They're both constantly on the computer for work - they work together from their home.

I'd like them both to get facebooks and/or AIM accounts. They're both pretty paranoid about getting viruses and crashing their computers, since they have important information stored on there. My mom's very hesitant about getting either of those accounts.

How do I convince her/them? Any ideas?

This is a great question, and a great idea.

I would suggest Facebook, only because it would be the easiest to convince them that they can't get a virus from it since it is only a website (AIM requires you to download a file, etc).

I got my mom on Facebook and it worked out great! Once she figured out how to navigate, she knew more about what my friends were up to than I did! Just make sure you don't have anything on there you wouldn't want them seeing.

To make it even easier, I would set up new Gmail accounts FOR them (something easy to remember), that way they aren't using personal emails to create the Facebook accounts. Explain that it's just a website, like yahoo or google, that lets you message, chat, look at pictures, etc.

And make sure you specify that they can not only make their profiles private, but that they can make them unsearchable! Hope this helped.

***TheGivingTree

PS- An alternative to both would be getting them on Twitter, to exchange status updates, and even update VIA text message.

"How to Drive a Stick-Shift"

Can you give me step by step instructions on how to drive a stick shift car?

The only way you can learn how to drive a stick is to get a feel for the gears, and unfortunately, every car has a different height that the clutch engages at, but i will do my best:

In an automatic car there are two pedals: brake (left) and gas (right).. and hopefully you only use your right foot for each since you should only need to do one at a time.

In a manual car, there are three pedals: CLUTCH (left), brake (middle), and gas (right). Same as an automatic, you should use your right foot for brake and gas as normal. The part that gets tricky is pressing in the clutch at the same time you are engaging the gears (especially into first gear).

Two things to keep in mind: depressing the clutch disengages the gear from the gas, which means you can floor the gas and all you will hear is engine noise because the gear is not engaged. So, this is pretty much the equivalent of being in neutral (the shift-stick being in the middle area instead of forward/back in 1st/2nd/3rd/4th/5th).

With the clutch to the floor, you can safely engage the first gear (shift-stick should be forward left) then, to get the car moving, you need to SLOWLY press on the gas while lifting your foot off the clutch. It's like a pass-the-baton game that will make the car jerk and grind if you get it wrong. Work on making the transition as smooth as possible-- the result should be your left foot coming completely off the clutch and your right foot using the gas as you normally would in an automatic. don't feel bad if you stall out (which you will). Just turn the car off and start it up again (WITH THE STICK IN NEUTRAL and your foot on the clutch!)

Once you have this down, you're ready to accelerate one gear at a time. If you imagine each gear as a MPH, you'll have a general idea of which gear you should be in and when. So once you're sailing along at 10mph, it's time to ease off the gas, push the clutch to the floor, move the stick straight back to second gear, and take the clutch back out, then give it more gas. Simple as that. 2nd gear (about 20mph-30mph), 3rd gear (30-40), and 5th gear for highway driving. When the RPM's get too high, the car will get really loud and you'll know it's time to change to a higher gear.

Don't leave the car in gear when you park, don't use the low gears to slow yourself down, don't text on your phone while driving.

***TheGivingTree

"The Look"

So, i met this guy at this dinner party, and we are about the same age but we didnt really talk, but he was SO GOOD LOOKING! Anyway, he kept trying to make eye contact (i did sometimes too though), you know, he would always turn towards me and then "look at the sky"..

So, my question is: if we met again, would there be hope? Like by the way he always tried to make eye contact and im talking ALWAYS! So, yeah, could this mean anything?

There is always hope! As long as you are confident and stay true to yourself, you have nothing to lose!
Sometimes making the first move is harder than we'd like it to be.

And as far as what the eye contact means, I've learned that American society almost discourages something that the French (and many other European countries) call "the look"-- this is the connection that two people can share, even a passing glance on the street, that shows potential interest. It is the truest measure of instant attraction and yet so many people ignore it like a penny on the sidewalk!

You never know when the love of your life may be standing next to you. Don't be afraid to take a chance! Don't be afraid to hold eye contact!

"Buzzed or Bust!"

Okay i am going into high school next year and my friends are starting to drink and smoke. I dont want to, but i know i will not be invited anywhere if i don't. I know this seems like simple, "just say no", but the only way to keep my friends is to drink with them or lose them. I know it seems like these friends suck, and they do but i cant change groups. And you cant just be like "no I'm not drinking" I'm only 13. I'm turning 14 soon but...what do i do?

I have a few friends that are "straight-edge" meaning they don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex without being in a relationship. This has become a pretty popular trend, especially in concert "scenes". I'm sure there are blogs or sites out there that give some pretty awesome reasons and explanations as to why you don't want to join your friends, but unfortunately the peer pressure you're talking about is real. Even if you go to parties, you could easily be labeled "buzz-kill" or "the sober one".

Because people will treat you differently if you don't have a drink in your hand, my solution is:

Put a drink in your hand!

Pour a soda or some juice into a cup and sip on that. When it comes to mixed drinks (cranberry/vodka, coke/rum, whatever underage kids sneak nowadays..) it would be impossible for anyone to figure out it's not spiked unless they try some. Most people are so caught up in their dramas and drinks that they wont even notice you dont have alcohol in your drink!

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to drink, so try that in the meantime but start looking for some straight-edge friends-- High School is the PERFECT time to find a new social group. Seriously, now is the time to start looking for people that you want to be around.

***TheGivingTree

"Prince Charming Trainee"

How can a guy be more charming to a girl? (Im 13 and a male, btw)
So how can i be more charming and less annoying to my friends that are mostly girls?

Okay, first off, don't over-do the "nice guy" thing. It's rare to find people that actually care in this world, but trying too hard just makes things worse. Just try to relax. Everyone likes a good listener. You will surprise your friends when you show them that you are genuinely interested in their lives and can remember things that they have told you!

More importantly, don't be afraid to compliment them. If you notice that her hair/eyes/clothes look nice, let her know! (Not too often! Maybe every other time you see her) It will brighten her day AND keep you out of the "friend-only zone" when she eventually realizes you might be attracted to her.

Well, good luck and take it easy, and just to put it into perspective: you have YEARS and YEARS to get good at it!

**TheGivingTree

"Choosing Between a Boyfriend and a Baby"

Hello,

I need some advice. I'm 21/male and my boyfriend is 26/male. My boyfriend recently wanted to break up with me because I told him I am bisexual and that I rather not adopt and have a biological child. What do you think I should do? Do you think I'm wasting my time? I want to make things work out for the best of us.

I think you should make sure you and your boyfriend reflect on the (lack of) urgency of this issue. You are both young, and by the time the decision will need to be made you both may have changed your minds. I understand your desire to pass on your genes, but your real legacy is the impact you two will have on the development of your kid, not so much whose biological material he or she will be made of. But if you're really set on it, there is always artificial insemination. You also have to keep in mind that your boyfriend may not be upset with the idea that you want your own child, but that he feels threatened that he cannot provide you with one.

Do I think this is something to break up over? Absolutely not. You should both be lucky that you see eye-to-eye on the desire to raise a child together. The details can be worked out later.

You need to let him know that he can fulfill your needs even though he is not a chick, and you need to remember that your partner is (at the least) going to be the second-greatest influence on your kid's life, so treat each other well.

Hope everything works out, please come back if you need anything else!

**The Giving Tree

"Is This Growing Up?!"

"I've been dating this guy for almost a year and a half now. I am a 20 year old female.
We moved in with each other before we reached one year. We decided to move in together because we never really saw each other except for on the weekends.
He's a few years older than I am. I think we are equally mature, but I am starting to wonder whether we're still together for the right reasons.
We both work. He's full time and I work 35 hours a week. We usually get home from work, and watch TV and pass out way too early. Neither of us have many friends, and I left mine all when I transferred schools.
I love him. I know that. I just get really frustrated at times that we don't have more of a life. I am not yet 21 so we can't go to bars or anything like that. He never hangs out with his friends, and I never hang out with mine... Mostly because I feel like if I said I wanted to hang out with my friends he'd flip that I didn't want to spend all my time with him.
I miss my friends. I miss being close to my friends. Sometimes I feel like he's forcing me to grow up. Talking about babies and marriage like it's around the corner... I don't want that right now. I am too young. I just don't ever want to say it out loud in fear of hurting him.

Given the scenario... what would you do?"

Given your scenario (being 20, in love, cohabiting), I would try everything in my power to make him happy, and probably end up doing more harm than good. This is because I wouldn't realize the problem isn't on my end, so it's nothing I can fix, especially not overnight.

I wont pretend like I have the solution to this, but i can tell you what I think: It sounds like the biggest problem is that your boyfriend is insecure with the relationship. You are way too young to be friendless and stuck at home watching grey's anatomy. If you are living together, it is absolutely unacceptable and unhealthy that he expects you to spend every moment with him. Even if you WANTED to, I would recommend against it because being in a relationship isn't about having the same life, it's about sharing each of your lives with each other.

Here's what I would do: pick one night (a week in advance) that you will make plans with just your girlfriend(s). Plan a movie night or game night, at someone else's house, just to get out and get away, but in the least threatening way possible. Encourage your boyfriend to do the same. This plan wont work if one of you is sitting at home. Have fun, and when you both get back, tell some funny stories about what happened, who is doing what, what's planned for next week, etc.

Date nights between the two of you will also help break up the repetitive nights at home, so i would give that a shot too.

I have to warn you, though: If he doesn't allow you these simple essential freedoms to see your friends and have time to yourself, He's got a serious problem. Talk to him and find out what's bothering him, why he's so insecure or jealous, because if you let this get out of hand it could eventually turn into an abusive relationship.

I'm sure he's thinking the same things you are, and hopefully he will welcome some of these suggestions. If not, just ask him as a favor to try it for one month. Best of luck!

Please write back if you need a follow-up!

"Love Me, Love Me"

"My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months, and we fight all the time. In one of our fights, he just told me he didn't love me anymore ... He isn't the same as we were before, and we almost break up daily, and I cry all the time, and I bitch and complain to him a lot too, mostly about not seeing each other and him not calling me. (because he never does and he told me he'd call me more) and, I really just don't know what to do, should I stay with him? should I throw in the towel? I never used to believe in heartbreak before, but now, I feel like he's ripping my heart out of my chest, it hurts so bad, but I love him so much ... and I need advice."

I don't know how to put this nicely, but would you want to call and commit to someone who cried and bitched and complained all the time? I'm guessing no. I understand you're worried about losing him and want to show him how much you care, but you have to ask yourself if you are behaving like someone he would want to be with.

You are sleeping so much because you are depressed, and if this relationship is the cause, you need to do something to take your mind off of it. Try exercising or starting a hobby with a friend. When he sees that you are enjoying your own life, he might want to make the effort to be more involved too. It's that whole "loving yourself before anyone can love you" thing.